Self Portrait Saturday

Self Portrait, May 28, 2011

Of all the paintings so far, this one best captures my terminal attitude of concern. I generally pass myself off as a mostly laid-back smart alec but this is what the mask conceals. Oh well. Hey, I'm getting my hair cut today, it's way overdue. It's been a year since my last one and my hair has turned into straw in the interim due to the crappy Trader Joe's shampoo I use. I worked on the story today, have been reading Lydia Davis as well which is helpful because her stories are all over the map structurally so I find that helpful. I have never been so good at doing things the conventional way and I find it strange that I need some permission to be non-traditional in my writing. Anyway, it's worth saying that I couldn't pay for the therapeutic effect these paintings afford me. I wonder if the next paintings post hair cut will be sassier? I'll just have to wait and see.

Unfinished

Self Portrait in progress 04/14/11

Here's the latest self portrait I am working on. I have switched to larger paper and am taking a slower approach. In the beginning I would paint the thing in one sitting. This piece I drew last week with 2H lead which is harder and leaves less information on the paper. I finally sat down and started to paint this morning after I dropped Pearl at school. Hopefully I will be able to add more color to this one, baby steps. When I went to bed last night the moon was out, casting shadows in the yard and I slept well and had some good dreams which is always a pleasure. Today is sunny and cool a stark change from the snow we woke up to yesterday. I took the dog for a walk on the road and am now settling in to my office to do my client work. And so it goes another day.

Self Portrait

As time is not to be wasted and some sort of enlightenment seems to be the goal, I am interviewing a new state of being called clarity. I wear it like skin made from 1 part sobriety and 2 parts consciousness. I wore it out the other night on the outside of my clothes after trying it out underneath everything at home. I was not disappointed. My surprisingly brave self rose to the occasion and I found myself able to engage easily with the other humans without the aid of the usual mix of cocktails and social anxiety.

I heard once that the experience of self has no physiology. It doesn't show up on brain scans or MRI's, it has no weight or chemical make-up, it is not represented by a chromosome or spiraling model of atoms. This state of self is elusive and it is ours alone to wrestle and often it is a struggle that seems endless and insurmountable. I feel strongly, it is the one thing in our lives that we have some control over even though at times it seems we are completely powerless over it. For the past 18 months I have been experimenting with decreasing my negative thoughts about myself, my work and pretty much everything and it's astounding how over time I have trained my mind to go in new directions to leave behind old pathways in search of better avenues. The more I do it the more these pathways present themselves, everything feels open and possible.

I had a dream recently, similar to the dreams I had in college about my teeth rotting. I woke up in the morning and tried to consider what the dream was about and why it had shown up again now. I was very happy in college and my life seemed to be laid out ahead of me full of possibility and so I took the dream to mean that I am again in that same space only I am older now and while there is still uncertainty and some fear of what lays ahead I can overcome it, I can go to the dentist, I can understand my self or selves as they shift and I can pilot myself forward in the direction, I alone want to go.

September Manifesto

Because I didn't have to, I spent the weekend working in my studio. Since January I have been working on a series of self portraits in an effort to give myself a vehicle for experimentation beyond my daily work. I began by taking photos of myself and then making paintings using water colors. In the beginning the paintings were small now they are bigger. I have never been adept with water color but I did it anyway. Each piece has resulted in a satisfying surprise. Needless to say the creative process or the process of making something is mysterious. You never know how things will turn out and often this uncertainty stops me from making anything and based on the number of self help books on the subject I am not the only one. I am still trying to keep connected to my morning pages and the self portrait series has given me some clearly defined parameters in which to make visual work. I bought a bunch of wood mounted Linonelum blocks a few months ago with a mind to create some lino-cuts but the mood never quite struck me until a few days ago. The pieces above are some of the results. I intend to add 2 more layers to the piece which will involve some type. I am not sure how I feel about the cartoon-ish nature of the drawing but I do like the authentically thoughtful facial expression. The main thing about these pieces is to not question them too heavily. I am trying to accept first that they are valid because of their mere existence and I will think more deeply about them once I have a lot of them to consider.

Print Project Complete

The last item on my list of "33 Ways to Stay Creative" is finish something  and yesterday that is what I did. Having scanned the elements of this piece into my computer I was able to layer them together and see what was working and what wasn't. The background was too strong and the portrait was too dark. It's all pretty subtle but there has to be balance. The theme of the piece is "The Drive Home". At first all I could think about was the road I walk up and down everyday for exercise and meditation but then I went a bit deeper.

I am going home and I don't mean physically at least not right now.  I am slowly returning to the country of my birth, reclaiming my Canadian-ness, examining who I am as an ex-patriot. I have been in America for 30 years now and so I am thinking a lot about what the next phase of my life will look like. The circles represent many things, the north, my career as a designer, a feminine form, individual closed units, perhaps of time. I used to think of my life in 5 year segments. Major changes seemed to take about 5 years to hatch and see to fruition. 5 years from now my daughter will be out of school and one of my key daily roles will become redundant.

Beneath the circles is an image of a neon sign. It's a picture I took many years ago when I lived in Los Angeles, it's at the bottom of the page signifying that region of the southern US where my journey started. Layered over that are the words "Not there yet". The answer to that age-old question, "are we there yet". I ran it up my face pointing north to my destination and to my brain. I am not there yet. The larger message of the piece — a self portrait — is about that constant searching and process of evolution I am involved in.

I am looking forward to sending these 12 prints off and seeing what I get in return, I liked this idea of sending these little signals out into world that say I am here like you working away, living my life. I am alive.

Self Made

Self Portrait January 2011

I watched "The Royal Tenenbaums" the other night and was inspired by the poor quality paintings by one of the characters. Richie Tenenbaum. They were all of his sister Margot and it was clearly stated that while the family had a lot of hope for his ability he had really not measured up as a painter. I have allowed myself to be stymied by my lack of expertise in many areas and I have spent more time than I would like to admit dreamily sitting on my couch thinking of making things only to fall asleep and accomplish nothing. I admire small paintings and so I made one of myself yesterday while I waited for the pot-roast leftovers to reheat. One of the things the Artists Way drums into your head is the idea that the process is what is important and that while a pleasing final product is just that it should not be the only goal. Making a small painting and putting it on your blog is sort of like taking your clothes off in a room with 6 people in it. The gossip might spread, she took her clothes off right there in front of us! Hopefully one of those people will think, I want to expose myself too and she did it and was not struck dead. Nothing is perfect but making things makes me feel happy and alive, so expect more of these misshapen, poorly shaded studies.

It's a great movie by the way if you haven't seen it. Any film that shows cross sections of brownstones with people busy in each window and miniature stage sets gets all my thumbs up.

Satisfied Soul

Self Portrait, Feb 16, 2011

Mark took the photo I used to make this painting. I was looking at my computer screen, sitting at the dining room table, slumped and concentrating, the full weight of my head in my hand. It's been a few weeks since I last made a painting and I was feeling anxious to get back to it. I can feel the wheels of my productivity begin to seize up as if my deeper self is saying "let's make something just for you and then we'll get back to work". I am not sure who's voice this is, my soul perhaps. My soul will go along with all the things I do but then it wants me to deviate a little, to make something small, something inconsequential, throw myself into something and the soul is fed and pleased and I get to experience the feeling of being swallowed whole by the process of creation free of attachment or responsibility to a paying client. It seems the more I make time for these little sideshow dalliances the better I feel about my work in general. Go figure. I met with a new client today who I like. I dressed in proper clothes and have not taken my coat off since I got home, I unbutton it and button it back up. Like the painting, the coat satisfies my restless soul.

Hiatus

Self Portrait July 2012

 

The thing is to not make excuses. Perhaps the thing is to turn off the TV and the computer and sit and listen. I do this sometimes and then I check FB on my phone and it feels so ludicrous but still I do it, like reaching for a drink when you know damn well you've had enough, or another cookie or a chip. I imagine myself, my self, in wrestling tights leaping at my best intentions, performing impressive efficient take downs of ideas and schemes and I rise and turn on the TV and obliterate my motivation to do anything. Then one day I stop thinking about the painting class and what She told me and I make one and I feel good but my busy mind gets ahead of me and asks why and what for and I don't have those answers. I don't have any answers and I wonder if I just want to lie down, close up and not compete with the rest of the burgeoning human race, human mess. I wish I could just stop wrestling and make and do without thought. Empty my mind completely, how peaceful that would be.

New Sketchbook Cover

Self Portrait April 2011

I carry a notebook around with me all the time, it helps to keep me focused and to remember fleeting ideas. The books I have been using are the ones I was making to sell at the Bellingham Farmers Market several years ago. I had a few in reserve and every time I started a new one I would make a little collage on the inside front cover to sort of launch the whole thing. I am about to start a new one so I decided to make a painting on the cover. The photo is from the Clint Eastwood High Plains Drifter photo tribute I did one sunny afternoon in April. My dad gave me this very nice gray poncho shawl thing with fringe and it made me think of Clint, except with green grass and dandelions. What I am most excited about is seeing what happens to the painting as it gets worn out as the sketchbook gets used. Painting on the gray board was a challenge and I switched back to the old play set of watercolors. The weekend is over and I think we are back to rain on Monday. Osama Bin Laden has been killed and his body taken into American custody, a strange description. I am not jumping up and down. So much blood has been shed, so many dollars spent and we're still no closer to a peaceful society, maybe it just isn't in our nature.

Print Project Day One

 

I signed up for Print Exchange 2013. 500 printers will all create an edition of 12 prints and then we will swap thanks to the good people at Art House in Brooklyn. It cost $50 bucks to sign up and the print must be 5 x 7. Pretty small in my world. In keeping with my self portrait series I decided to make a print similar in feel to my "Practice Healthy Skepticism" print. I am using backgrounds I had on hand and I cut this small lino. I pulled a few test prints yesterday to figure out my color scheme. The theme of this print is "The Road Home". I am in my 30th year in the US and my thoughts are turning toward the next phase of my life and where that phase will take place. I feel like maybe I have been working my way home all these years. The images are simple, a grid of circles and a sign from my time in Los Angeles, a Dogwood, the official flower of the province of British Columbia where I was born and raised. I will also include some type, how could I not. Stay tuned.

Another one.

Self Portrait, January 9/2011

It snowed today and yesterday someone shot a democratic congresswoman in Arizona. I don't think the world is ending but I do think American society is rapidly deteriorating. I think I am going to switch to gouache this week. Fasten your seat belts.

Self Portrait Tuesday

Here's my painting for today. It's a bit wonky as I painted it from a photo taken with my phone. Generally I print these photos out but last night I just used my phone. It was challenging, the photo had almost no color and I am still struggling with the paint in tubes. I also need some new brushes. I still have those feelings as I drop off to sleep that I have forgotten to reset some kind of alarm that will prevent me from dying, and I wake feeling disoriented my lap covered in books, pen in hand. I am trying to break my bedtime TV habit choosing instead to make notes about the following day, further efforts to keep myself on task. It seems to be helping my generalized anxiety. This is a busy week culminating in a busy weekend, so off I go.

I am reminded of my mother who never slept in but at the end of her life in her methadone haze she would sleep late. I would look in on her and on one particularly sunny February morning she admitted to secretly enjoying the laziness of sleeping in. Today I admit to really enjoying being stripped bare by these paintings, making them and posting them and not worrying about what anyone thinks about them, it's delicious.

More nakedness

Self Portrait, January 8/2011

Despite my lovable husband laughing at them I am persevering . This one is a bit masculine but then it could easily argued that I am a tad masculine also. Oh well I take solace in the knowledge that I do sit down to pee.

Happy Maniac

Moving right along. The kid is back at school and I am looking forward to the fall and feeling hopeful and inspired. By Rosh Hashanah I'll have a new crown on the lower left side of my mouth and I am not missing the symbolism here. I have not been able to bite down on much lately due to my fragile state and like a true manic person on a long awaited upswing I am going to take on way more than I probably should in response to all the down time I took over the summer. So here goes. I am going to embark on a 90 day novel writing course, seemed like a good idea and now I have committed myself mentally to it. Work is picking back up just in time, the bills are piling up and the one scary thing I have been forcing myself to face most days is my checking account balance. Additionally I have just ordered 30 meat birds in chick form. It will take 9 weeks to raise them and I have no idea who will butcher them, god I hope it's not me. My tenant is going in with me and she is a brave and hardy soul so maybe I can follow her lead. Saw a dead deer at the side of the road which reminds me to finish the story I am working on, it's about a deer but also the dead deer is a reminder that time is not endless. I have decided not to worry about my elderly parents going to Europe for two weeks. Instead I will focus on my job of looking after their ill behaved Cocker-Spaniel. I finished my self portrait. Still not entirely sure how I feel about it but will list it on my Etsy site just to see if anyone bites. I hope you are all well and biting down hard on things that you desire.

Two of Me

Self portrait through the main sail

I feel I lead a strange life. I have the tendency to regress on the weekends I spend with my husband Mark at his house. I arrive late afternoon on Friday and have a few drinks, we talk like maniacs because we haven't seen each other and we drink a little more. I keep my laptop on my lap the whole time, looking at Facebook, reading a little, surfing for crap I don't need and can't afford like mini well designed module house pods that I fancy for the back of my property. mark does the cooking and has to demand I close my laptop and come to the table to eat. I do, but I eat fast and then dive back onto the couch before he gets a chance to occupy it. Occasionally I whine at him that we never go out and do anything before I pass out.

In the morning I wake early and try to get mark to wake up too. I tell him we should go and play tennis while it's still cool. Pearl is with her dad and we could just slip off to the courts for an hour but we don't. We stay in bed and do bed things and watch Looney Toons and I fall back asleep and forget all about the list of things I wanted to do at 5:30am when I first became conscious. We're up by 10 and back on our computers, searching for everything and nothing. Sometimes I write or walk the dog.

Last weekend we sailed. We took Mark's little boat from Jericho Beach all the way across English Bay to Lighthouse Park. I made sandwiches and we shared a bottle of cider. It was a picture perfect day. the wind was unusual coming out of the southwest which is why we took the course we did. We sit side by side on the boat leaning in or out, depending on the force of the wind, it's like dancing. Mark mans the tiller and the main sail while I am in charge of the jib, centerboard and cooler. A clear division of labor. We chat away as we go, about the other boats we encounter or the seabirds. Sometimes we sail very close to the enormous freighters at anchor in the Bay. We read the place names and marvel at a life at sea. We are quiet and enjoy our time in the salt air.

By Sunday night I am getting itchy and irritable. Pearl is not with us and despite how easily I drift into that state of non-responsibility I am hardwired to be a mother now. If she has been away for more than three nights I begin to have dreams about her that are filled with perilous situations. On Monday I say good-bye to Mark and it's sad, I hate leaving. Once back at home with Pearl I feel better again. We get caught up on our weekend events and make a plan for the week. Last Monday I surprised myself by cooking up a storm on her behalf. I made pizza dough from scratch, fresh pesto and the special little muffins she likes. Watching her eat a big piece of whole wheat bread slathered in pesto makes me happy and my nerve endings relax. I know my job and I am at my best when I am doing it.