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Monday, December 20, 2010

Self Portrait


As time is not to be wasted and some sort of enlightenment seems to be the goal, I am interviewing a new state of being called clarity. I wear it like skin made from 1 part sobriety and 2 parts consciousness. I wore it out the other night on the outside of my clothes after trying it out underneath everything at home. I was not disappointed. My surprisingly brave self rose to the occasion and I found myself able to engage easily with the other humans without the aid of the usual mix of cocktails and social anxiety.

I heard once that the experience of self has no physiology. It doesn't show up on brain scans or MRI's, it has no weight or chemical make-up, it is not represented by a chromosome or spiraling model of atoms. This state of self is elusive and it is ours alone to wrestle and often it is a struggle that seems endless and insurmountable. I feel strongly, it is the one thing in our lives that we have some control over even though at times it seems we are completely powerless over it. For the past 18 months I have been experimenting with decreasing my negative thoughts about myself, my work and pretty much everything and it's astounding how over time I have trained my mind to go in new directions to leave behind old pathways in search of better avenues. The more I do it the more these pathways present themselves, everything feels open and possible.

I had a dream recently, similar to the dreams I had in college about my teeth rotting. I woke up in the morning and tried to consider what the dream was about and why it had shown up again now. I was very happy in college and my life seemed to be laid out ahead of me full of possibility and so I took the dream to mean that I am again in that same space only I am older now and while there is still uncertainty and some fear of what lays ahead I can overcome it, I can go to the dentist, I can understand my self or selves as they shift and I can pilot myself forward in the direction, I alone want to go.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Rowan, I feel as though we are linked by myriad circumstances and separate but shared realities. I have been reading your blog (admittedly) for years and am sometimes shocked at the parallels. The rotting teeth just another element (though mine didn't rot, but either broke or fell out) in my own dreams in college. One of my goals in 2011 is to come out from behind my keyboard and screen and somehow find a way to knit our worlds together. Until I summon the courage to move a little further out of myself, I am wishing you the Happiest New Year you can conjure as you seem very much the conjurer. Best, Terry Drussel

Ranchnotes said...

I once had a conversation with my older brother about reality and he said he felt reality was thrust upon him, I had to really consider this because I naturally thought reality was something we created for ourselves. Thanks for reading Terry, all the best for 2011 and beyond.

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