Tuesday, April 20, 2010


Several months ago I dreamt that a person in my sphere had disappeared and was known to have died. It was a young woman and while I did not murder this person with my own hands I knew that the actions I was taking in the dream would result in her death. I think she was left out in the wilderness.

I was appalled by this dream and immediately did some research on what it had meant. Of course dream symbols are confusing but they are also archetypal. I had exiled and done away with a part of myself, a part I no longer needed. I had to commit this act of murder to free a part of myself that needed more attention.

I have written here about my recent experiences waking in the night and feeling uncertain about what state I am in, alive or dead or somewhere in between. These incidents are lessening and I have slept well every night for about a week. It's a miracle to wake in the morning rested and relaxed.

It occurs to me that I was misinterpreting these night time experiences. I was taking them too literally, thinking too much of the death of my physical self and not so much about the life of my spiritual self. The night time death experience, I realize now is about the death of some part of me I no longer need. It's extremely hard to articulate but it comes down to this, we are evolving. We are growing up and changing and our consciousness is changing and this is a good thing.

Some time ago a sage friend told me that every 7 years our cells rejuvenate. It doesn't happen all at once of course, there is a dying off and then a building back up. I am not sure how cells work exactly but I see their development as a curved line and these little transitional moments represent the differential equations that determine the slope of this ever curving line. Some are steep and some are slight, they go up, they go down, but they are all worth noting.

I am trying to free myself of what has held me back. I am trying to shed that which has weighed me down in an effort to make way for what will propel me forward. I don't know what any of it looks like but I am open to it. Maybe it's art, maybe it's poetry, who knows.

Stay tuned.

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