New SIte!

…and it's live. The website I have been working on for the past year or so is finally here. The plight of the Shoemaker's barefooted children is true. I spend way more time on client work than I do on my own promotional efforts but like most things I set my hand to, they do get done, eventually. It is with great pride that I launch my fourth website associated with my own company. One tip, it works more like a book than a website. Enjoy!

Sleep Disorder

So it turns out that my habit of falling asleep at the the drop of hat and then waking up screaming, sometimes kicking and in a panic that death has a stranglehold on me is an actual thing. It's a sleep disorder with a long name that I've already forgotten. I slept better last night with this info so there will be no pill taking for me. With my personal history I do not need another thing to potentially make a habit of. So there, sleep well if you can. It's hit or miss for me, sometimes the night is friendly sometimes it's an asshole.

Off-Track

I'm easily stymied. If in between things, at the end of one thing and not quite ready to begin another thing, I drift. Until I am ready to engage my brain in focused thoughtful work I loiter in the kitchen and eat or mindlessly clean dog nose prints off the doors, or just sit and stare. I am easily distracted and what felt up a week ago now feels down. I don't want to cook, I don't want to start my taxes. I need to think of numbers and scenarios for a client that I may or may not want. The things I want to be doing are jammed up behind the things I should be doing which are in turn pushed up against the things I am not doing and so I can feel my mood spiraling into chaos. To make matters worse I ate a crappy fast food hamburger today, the worst in terms of self destructive behavior in my books. The sensible thing of course is to stop whining and take a walk or a ride or do the pilates DVD I bought but have yet to do. I feel better just writing this itchiness down somewhere, thanks for listening big empty blog void.

One positive note, I saw "Secretariat" and really liked it. Who doesn't love a good horse story.

Self Portrait Tuesday

Here's my painting for today. It's a bit wonky as I painted it from a photo taken with my phone. Generally I print these photos out but last night I just used my phone. It was challenging, the photo had almost no color and I am still struggling with the paint in tubes. I also need some new brushes. I still have those feelings as I drop off to sleep that I have forgotten to reset some kind of alarm that will prevent me from dying, and I wake feeling disoriented my lap covered in books, pen in hand. I am trying to break my bedtime TV habit choosing instead to make notes about the following day, further efforts to keep myself on task. It seems to be helping my generalized anxiety. This is a busy week culminating in a busy weekend, so off I go.

I am reminded of my mother who never slept in but at the end of her life in her methadone haze she would sleep late. I would look in on her and on one particularly sunny February morning she admitted to secretly enjoying the laziness of sleeping in. Today I admit to really enjoying being stripped bare by these paintings, making them and posting them and not worrying about what anyone thinks about them, it's delicious.

Untitled #1

March 20th, West Spanish Banks, Vancouver BC

Nothing to say except that if you sit really still for a really long time everything is revealed to you and in the meantime if you have to get up and move around it is good to do a little sewing, carry a bit of firewood around and sometimes getup early and notice that the birds are singing and that you got through the winter, another winter without driving into a median somewhere.

I saw my dad today, his sweater had a small stain on it and it reminded me that they aren't as buttoned up as they once were and everything feels frail. We took a walk to the beach and I didn't talk to him about any of the issues, the big issues that are hanging over all of us. I just wanted to amble along next to him with the west wind blowing in our faces, hoping that it had already dropped its radioactive particles somewhere farther out at sea. And I feel more and more centered and unwilling to deal with bullshit because everything is fleeting and so I work on my knitting and chop the wood and hug my kid and at night I lay next to another human being whose dreams intersect with mine but aren't dependent on them. Tomorrow is Monday and I will rise and do and go and act and things will get moved along and it will seem purposeful and it will be, because I say so, because actions speak louder than words and that is what I am paying attention to.

An egg in the hand

Friday today and here's the chicken report. Since building the coop-cage before Christmas I have not lost anymore hens since Gloria the Brahma was so violently eviscerated. I still see traces of his wing feathers near the coop but can't bring myself to pick them up. The hens seem fine without him in fact they are better than fine, they seem a bit kinder to each other, a more cohesive group, no one vying for attention from the fabulous rooster. They are more of a team, even the two little bantam hens are doing well. I set the light timer to come on around 4am about 2 months ago and at 5pm when I lock the hens in I give them some corn to eat before bedtime, to keep them warm during the night which aids in egg production. Since then I have been getting about 4 eggs per day which was my goal. We eat eggs everyday and there are plenty for baking and I can also share some with my tenant when I am away and she tends to the hens.

Today also marks a bit of a milestone as it is the beginning of the last weekend that Mark and I will spend as swinging singles. After this weekend Pearl will be with us more of the time as her dad is leaving the state for work. With all change there is a period of adjustment but I see this as a positive thing as time is such a gift with a growing child. We'll have twice as much weekend play time to see friends and family, go to the movies, hike, shop and chill out.

I had hoped to give up something for lent and I was having trouble defining it but I think I can sum it by saying for lent (and perhaps forever) I want to set free my complicated feelings about the past and go forward without contempt or judgment for the lives of others. It's really quite freeing, happy Spring.

Covering my mouth

There's a message here but you'll have to figure it out for yourselves. The new proper water colors I bought are challenging and I seem to lean toward brown and black, too much color is difficult so I am sticking to just tones and shades. The paint is vibrant and a little goes a long way. My week is busy, meetings, work, commitments. Things are changing again in our domestic realm which seems appropriate as it is spring. I missed my mothers death anniversary this year but I did have a great dream about her now that I think about it and it was nice to see her. I worked outside all day yesterday so the yard looks a little better which makes it easier for me to work indoors all day, and as usual those closest to me continue to nourish and ground me.

It arrived!

Mail experiment #2 was a success. Mr Bothman shown here, received his postcard today. It all happened whilst I drank beer with the Americano pal Nick and his new paramour Suzee who I approve of highly (not that Nick needs my approval). All in all it was a Saturday to remember. Doesn't Mr Bothman look surprised and charmed?