Matsqui Trail

Me cycling on the Matsqui Trail portion of the larger Trans Canada Trail.

This summer my husband and I have begun to ride our bikes with more purpose. It all started when I heard a story on CBC radio about the Kettle Valley Railway trail which winds east from Hope BC along the Coquihalla River, into the Okanagan valley. We are not road riders so discovering trails like this old railroad are real finds. One can ride along for miles and never encounter a car or a brutal hill. Because these trails were designed for railways, the grades are gentle and in some cases it's barely noticable that you are gaining elevation.

Our first hurdle was finding a good bike rack. We settled on a tray-style, hitch mounted design that allows for quick loading of bikes that are of different sizes. We chose a BC made product and bought it from Lifecycles in Abbotsford. The store owner Harv, was helpful and encouraging. He's a way more extreme rider than we are but he did not mock us or anything so that was good.

Our first outing was to the famed Othello Tunnels near Hope BC. The drive there takes about 90 minutes and the ride itself was only 8km return, so as my husband pointed out, the ratio of drive time to biking time was a bit out of whack. The trip to Hope and the relatively short ride were still a lot of fun and we felt our maiden voyage was a success. The path through the woods above the steep canyon of the Coquihalla River was like a dream ride from childhood.

This weekend we rode the Matsqui Trail near our place in Abbotsford. It was a much better drive to ride ratio. 15 minutes there and 2 hours riding. We rode about 14km with little stops along the way to check out the river and pick a few blackberries to eat. The trail sits atop the dyke that protects farmland from the river. The views are beautiful on both sides. The Mission Abby bell tower is visible from the Page Road trailhead, we didn't hear the chimes, maybe next time. The weather was quite gray but still suitable for riding. We left the dog at home and enjoyed racing eachother on the way back. We're both a bit competitive.

View through Othello Tunnels on the Kettle Valley Railway also part of the Trans Canada Trail.

Dramatic views of the Coquihalla River canyon from the Kettle Valley Railway along the Trans Canada Trail.

Parenting and Social Media

Dear parents, Don't air your dirty laundry on social media. Especially, do not reveal your kink. Your kids will pick up on it and that is creepy.

Second Honeymoon

Celebrating 10 years of love, sovereignty and togetherness! Photo taken by a kind stranger south of Yachats, Oregon. A good trip that keeps getting better.

Exercise

This writing everyday like it's a journal isn't really working. I can't write unselfconsciously. I can't make the time. I am thinking about things I should write, phrases and ideas and then because they come to me when my hands are full I don't write them down and then they are gone. My mind is mushy with hormones. I can't remember anything and it makes me wonder why we hold memory up as this thing that is so important. Why do we mourn memory loss of the demented and alzheimed, in the the brain damaged and the afflicted? I say good riddance! It's the past, it's gone, it's ether, this moment is all there is.

I am going home next week to the place I grew up, to the town that exists solely in my memory. The town has changed a lot in the 36 years since I lived there. I had mixed feelings about the whole trip. It's a long way and the drive is slightly treacherous. My childhood was filled with stories of horrible car crashes so my mind goes right there. I lost a friend in the second grade to a camper fire—I saw her Friday, Saturday she was dead—it happened in the night when the children were all asleep in the cab-over of some shitty camper and the gas leaked and the whole thing blew up. A fiery crash on some deserted stretch of the Yellowhead 16.

A childhood friends father died tonight. I saw it on facebook. I've been in contact with her, he had cancer. He was a good guy, totally dedicated to his kids. Oh my god he was handsome and so sexy. I thought so at ten. He was a truck driver some times his daughter and I would sleep in his king size water bed in his purple satin sheets. He was an operator I guess but he was her dad and he was there even when he wasn't. They had animals and an unfinished split level house that we used to bring her ponies into. The living room had Hawaiian scene wallpaper, oversize bean-bag furniture, and shag carpet, it was nirvana. We ran wild of course. It was the 1970's and no one's parents were keeping track of the kids. We slept in barns and drove trucks we weren't supposed to, and we rode those damn ponies all over hell's half acre.

It's Wednesday now. The weekend is over, my husband only left this morning to take the long drive into the city to do his radio show. I got up and took the dogs for a little walk in the yard and I let out the chickens. I combined the flocks two days ago and the new girls are still miffed and confused. Only one of them figured out to go into the coop last night, I carried the other five by hand. I am confident tonight will be better. Hens are so mean to each other and especially to the new residents. There's no welcome wagon let's show you around approach. It's more like I am going to peck you and steal your food because that's what I do. Only once has one of my hens taken a foundling literally under her wing and that chicken now enjoys second place in the flock behind the three oldest hens and above the pair of year old hens, a Cochin and a Royal Buttercup. Gingers and Freckles (three of each name) are just 4 months old, still not laying and are now going to bed at night nervous and exhausted in a strange land at the bottom of the pecking order.

The weather has been perfect for an entire month and even though the days are shortening slightly it's still light until 9 o'clock and the temperature is consistently pleasant. I am satiated by summer.

Weekend Project

Pearl went off to her dad's this past weekend so that left me and Mark at my place for the weekend. With nowhere to go I decided we should embark on and finish some manageable home improvement project. It's been awhile since we have been in that mode. Eddy was in decline the year before last and after he died Mark started having some serious back issues. Years of lifting the old man caught up with him. So I guess we've been more conscious of our bodies lately, Mark turned 50 in November and I will be joining him this December. We are not the people we once were. To rebuild our building confidence I proposed we construct a small cabinet to fit in the space that was created when I sold my 1940's O'keefe and Merrit stove which was a full 10 inches wider than the new stove. I suggested we should do this project with materials we had on hand, no spending to make it happen. We split up the labor. Mark built the cabinet and I was in charge of the top. We consulted the other one heavily of course. By Sunday night we had the thing built and the top ready to tile. No tile cutter could be scared up from our various neighbors so off we went on Monday to have a shop do it. On the way back we picked Pearl up. Tidy. It appears that President's day has zero effect on trade and commerce. It seems only school children, banks, the post office and graphic designers observe the holiday.

Epilogue
I love this little cabinet. The color of the tile excites me and the fact that I was able to plan and make it reminds me that it feels good to be capable. I'll take more of that please.

Anniversary

8 years ago today I married Mr. Seifred. As far as weddings go it was fun but the best part by far was the honeymoon in Tofino, a gift from my dad and stepmother. When we went back there last year I was filled again with the almost overwhelming feeling of happiness and well-being I had experienced that first night on that wild west coast beach, only this time we were three and that felt great too. We never do much to celebrate these little milestones beyond just acknowledging the fact throughout the day, counting our blessings that we met, reviewing how much fun we keep having together and then re-counting our blessings again, it's a happy little loop of love and gratitude. No gifts or fanfare required, just hugs and kisses and always champagne.

Post solstice wrap-up

5 days into summer. The solstice came but I didn't celebrate on the day and instead I ambled next door and did it belatedly with some longtime friends on Friday. We sat around under my white — ever useful in many circumstances—farmers market canopy in folding chairs, while the rain poured with all it's might and we agreed that this was certainly the only way to welcome summer in the Pacific Northwest. The very next day I got caught out in a thunder and lightening storm that blew down trees around the county and soaked my jeans and shoes, and dog. Yesterday it was okay all day weather wise and I went to the Cone Sisters Show at VAG with my sister and seriously considered whether or not we should dedicate our lives to leisure and art. You know, make a name for yourself in better circles like those Cone Sisters did. My sister gave me change for transit because I had none and showed me where to catch the sky-train to visit our stepmother which I felt was terribly good of her. It felt exciting to be inside the Gallery. Matisse's Odelisques were inspiring and hopefully, affirming.

I started this painting. That is all I have to report. After I have made about 400 of these I will have more of an idea of what it is I am doing. I think I should spend some more time on this one and then make another one right away. You heard it here first. I saw my stepmother again today so that my dad could go freely to Walmart to replace a pair of pants for her. I rolled her out to the garden and we sat and she laughed out loud, almost hysterically at times at what was going on around her. She was lively for a time but then began to think that one of the men was her father. She said, "my father never wore white shoes". She looked lost and agitated. I reassured her that everything was going to be okay. "I feel mad with madness" she said. On the way home I got lost on United Boulevard amongst road construction and landfill traffic looking for the good fabric store. Mark wrote his final securities exam and we went for a walk in the late afternoon with the dog and it was hard to tell what day it was because we had not spent the whole weekend together.

I have been alone much of the last 10 days which has been somewhat novel and certainly rejuvenating. Initially I felt freaked out about releasing my death grip on my young charge but a cooler head prevailed and I took the time off willingly and I am glad I did. The growing pains we experienced a few weeks back are gone and a new phase is upon us. This parenting is a tricky game of push-me pull-you and I for one do not always see the changes in direction coming but clearly there is no stopping them and that as it turns out is a good thing. The process is much like painting, you start, the colors run, you try madly to see the shapes and values and then you wait, and when it's all dry it looks totally different to what you planned or imagined.

Better than yesterday

Incredibly, sleep cures everything. With only one small near death freak out experience right as I dropped off, the night was pleasant and dream filled. I can't recall what the dreams were about now but that is typical. The cat kept purring and stepping on me, I do remember that. He's awfully heavy but makes up for it by being the best highest quality free cat ever. The weekend officially ended at 3pm today and I whacked a huge section of dry blackberries out of the area behind my house while taking a break from using my brain non-stop. When Pearl was safely home I took a short nap because I am inevitably sad once my husband clears out and I am left to face the week on my own. Who will make my supper, why is there no wine? These are my immediate concerns. Not bad.

Duality

Best not to comment too specifically on what's really pissing me off the most today so instead I am thinking dreamy thoughts about "Fantastic Mr Fox" and how perfect art can be in contrast to this fucked up dreary existence we are all leading. Another pair of shoes? Why yes, I'll take two.

An egg in the hand

Friday today and here's the chicken report. Since building the coop-cage before Christmas I have not lost anymore hens since Gloria the Brahma was so violently eviscerated. I still see traces of his wing feathers near the coop but can't bring myself to pick them up. The hens seem fine without him in fact they are better than fine, they seem a bit kinder to each other, a more cohesive group, no one vying for attention from the fabulous rooster. They are more of a team, even the two little bantam hens are doing well. I set the light timer to come on around 4am about 2 months ago and at 5pm when I lock the hens in I give them some corn to eat before bedtime, to keep them warm during the night which aids in egg production. Since then I have been getting about 4 eggs per day which was my goal. We eat eggs everyday and there are plenty for baking and I can also share some with my tenant when I am away and she tends to the hens.

Today also marks a bit of a milestone as it is the beginning of the last weekend that Mark and I will spend as swinging singles. After this weekend Pearl will be with us more of the time as her dad is leaving the state for work. With all change there is a period of adjustment but I see this as a positive thing as time is such a gift with a growing child. We'll have twice as much weekend play time to see friends and family, go to the movies, hike, shop and chill out.

I had hoped to give up something for lent and I was having trouble defining it but I think I can sum it by saying for lent (and perhaps forever) I want to set free my complicated feelings about the past and go forward without contempt or judgment for the lives of others. It's really quite freeing, happy Spring.

Together again

Here's a funny thing. It's Thursday which means it's only been 48hours since I last saw my husband, and in less than 24 more I will see him again and tonight I find I am overwhelmed with that good feeling of seeing him, of being with him. It's no big romantic freakshow when we're together it's more like you found your favorite sock (a really good high quality sock) and after reuniting the pair on your feet you go for a very long walk and maybe the day is fine and you see something new in a place you've looked a million times before. That's how I feel tonight, anticipating those together feelings that make everything seem new again and filled with possibility, like fresh pages in a new book or laying down on clean sheets you've slept in for 8 years.

Change in Venue

Cross section of Russian nesting dolls, an apt illustration of my routine within a routine

I am naturally restless. I believe it's got something to do with my existentialist beliefs. On one hand my routine is what keeps me together, on the other hand the sameness sometimes feels like a noose around my neck. Where this feeling manifests itself the most is with teeth brushing. I am pretty committed to excellent oral hygiene but occasionally at bedtime I just don't have it in me to perform this small meaningless task. I see myself before the mirror growing old, brushing my teeth each night getting closer to death. It's heavy. But like everything in life there are dichotomies and dualities and the routines that horrify me at times are also enjoyable and keep me on the straight and narrow. "Off the streets, and out of the river," as my father says.

Mark comes to my place at the weekends and generally retires to his home north of the border on Mondays, at the latest Tuesday. This week was a little different and of course it got me thinking about this routine. Whilst out retrieving a pizza for us on Tuesday his car refused to start and so set into motion a particular chain of events. His Wednesday radio show at CITR in Vancouver was canceled and the whole week was altered.

I need to be delicate here in how I describe this because I would not want anyone to infer that I do not enjoy more than life itself being with my partner. I did however recognize this week how much I enjoy the time I spend completely alone at home during the week. Now granted I did consult my calendar and noted that I was in a particular phase of my menstrual cycle, irrational crankiness abounding. It was fun having Mark there on Wednesday, it was novel. We went to a friends house for a little birthday party. It's always nice to go out as a couple/family. Thursday found Mark replacing the baseboards in a few spots in the house that never had them, very helpful. I focused on work and stayed close to my office, and took a walk in the rain to try and calm my anxiety about additional cooking duties and the general chaos two more people in the small house generate. Friday came and we were all still together. I felt guilty about wanting to be alone in my routine and it made me realize just how lucky we both are that we have this amazing flexibility in our relationship.

Friday afternoon we packed up our stuff, tidied the house and set out north. Driving out of my driveway I felt relaxed and excited to be going somewhere else, a change of scene, a change in latitude albeit very small is comforting to me. Now I just have to work on my little control issues around the house. My mother had this too, she feared chaos and worked hard to keep it all under control. I do it too and it can be a lot of work and really hard on the people around me. I need the structure of the big routine and the small sub-routines with the addition of the occasional anomaly in the form of a side-trip away or surprise house-guests. The tooth-brushing still has to be done but it feels less desperate when done in different bathrooms, in different countries.

Farewell

As much as I would like to write a tidy little recap of this year that we are about to exit I can't. No one sentiment sums it up but I suppose that is the nature of a year lived one day at a time, to it's fullest. We did live it fully. We are all in a slightly different place from where we were when we first entered this year, we have naturally moved along on our collective developmental paths. Our families are well and healthier than earlier in the year and we have achieved greater understanding of and compassion for our dearest ones. I find myself almost overwhelmed by the love that surrounds me and my little family. Looking ahead to 2010 I see so much promise and opportunity. Beyond the physical plans and desires we have that will eventually populate all the days of the coming year as they did in the past year I want to continue to enjoy every moment of this fine life we have. What else is there to do?

Goodbye 2009 and thank you. Hello 2010, come on in we've been looking forward to your arrival.

This One's For Syd

This entry is for my friend Syd in her recent post she mentioned making a list of traits she was looking for in a partner but wasn't sure she was ready to do it. Above is just such a list, made by me in 2001. I don't know how or why love works but somehow writing these words on those bits of paper so long ago helped me to get clear about what I had been lacking and what I wanted in a partner. Mark is all these things and more, he's a perfect fit for me and I think I am a pretty good match for him. I used to think I had conjured Mark up, created him from wishes. I see now that getting what we need is possible in all aspects of our lives. We can choose what we want and we can make it happen but the first step is being able to visualize it in concrete terms. Make the list Syd, take the first step. A good relationship of your own creation is just down the road.

How to Get what we Need

Many years back when my first marriage was falling apart I found myself at home alone cleaning out my shed. My mother had been dead for about 5 years and I still had many of her things stored there. Amazingly while moving one of those basket type carry bags which contained some miscellaneous weaving and spinning tools I came across a small spiral bound notebook. It surprised me that I had never seen it before and that it seemed to be in such an obvious open place, not tucked away in the least. I took this as a sign that perhaps my mothers ghost had placed it there so I would see it. It was the type of notebook you would find in a University Bookstore, it was stamped "University of Edinburgh" which is where both my parents went. It was not dogeared in the least in fact it was well preserved considering the dates indicated she had used it during the mid 1950's. I found it in 2001, 45 or so years later.

She and my dad had made notes about their wedding, who was present and the gifts they had received. They had a pretty simple wedding but people sent them some nice things. I even have a bit of their Edinburgh Crystal left, when Madge and I are good we drink our Gins out of them.

Beyond all the wedding details my mother had written down her feelings about being married and this is what really rocked my world. She and my dad had a pretty good marriage, at least on the outside it looked good. I realize now that she really suffered in the confines of the role. She wrote at one point that she questioned her entire existence when Denis (my dad) was not there. Somehow her job was to wait to live until he got home from the office. I found this symbolic at the time but now looking back at it I wish there had been a way for us to have a dialogue about it when she was living. I got two letters back from her college roommate at Christmas and in those she also questions the whole institution of marriage. The idea that one woman and one man bound together could get everything they need from each other seemed to her neither realistic nor desirable. It was such a gift to read that from her because I believe that she must have imprinted some of it on me and Madge, we both have pretty unconventional marriages.

I have been married to my husband Mark for 5 years now and we have never lived together. It's a novel situation that will one day change when Mark's dad Eddy leaves this mortal coil. I do look forward to living with Mark because I'm mad about him but in the meantime having this space is really pretty wonderful. I have a lot of time when I am on my own which suits me, Mark is very self possessed and is happy on his own as well. There is no jealousy, guilt, or resentment. I do my work, Mark does his, we keep in touch by email semi-constantly, we talk on the phone a bit. I love my place and Mark has done a ton of work there to make it more comfortable and to look better. I do little here at his place except cook occasionally and clean sometimes but even then Mark takes care of most everything, shopping, cooking, decorating. It's his domain and I respect and value that. He makes improvements here based on my suggestions and his own desires. We have two very comfortable homes to spend time together and apart in.

This marriage is such a gift to me. I get what I need from my partner, unconditional love and support, endless respect and admiration. I also have a ton of freedom to feed myself, to fill the gaps that a husband can't fill and because Mark is smart and secure, he understands that when I am happily doing my own thing—hiking with friends, going on art dates, spending time with my sister, being alone because that's what I need—when we get back together he cherishes his happy whole wife who is present and loving. I am really proud of this marriage not for the mere fact of it but because of the substance of it. I am quite sure my mother feels proud of how I have redefined this marriage to suit better who I am and what I need. I know Mark's mom is awfully proud of him. And most of all I hope that when Pearl grows up she has some good tools to help her pick a mate and create a partnership/marriage that nurtures her. I just hope she waits until she's at least 35 to do it.

A Good Marriage

I got married for the first time when I was 23. It was a novel concept and being an adventurous sort I went for it. I was very proud of my marriage in those early days, proud of the idea that I had become married. It was not a state I had aspired to, growing up I never actually imagined myself married. I had never given much thought to what made a marriage work or what I even wanted from a marriage but I forged ahead within this cage of normalcy. Being married gave me some credibility I thought, street cred. How bad could I be, I was after all married. Of course when you are married you become well acquainted with the person you are married to and over time people change and grow and as I got older my attitude about the whole thing evolved. I was less proud of the marriage and more hampered by it, I found it confining. The sameness, the expectation, the unchangeable roles of husband and wife. After 15 years I got out.

During the period that I was single I had a lot of time to think. What I realized during that time was that I really enjoyed the companionship of men, I did not want to be alone but I was not in a big hurry to get married again either. When I met Mark I made a conscious effort to just simply be with him and have no expectations of what was supposed to happen. I watched as he showed up regularly in my world, we had a great time together and I felt strongly that I could spend a lot of time with him without any trouble. He felt the same way and after about 18 months he proposed marriage. I accepted but I felt nervous too, was I committing myself to this confinement again. We talked a lot about what we both wanted from marriage and came up with the idea that we were like 2 sovereign nations. We were both independent, self supporting, self actualized nations coming together in a spirit of cooperation. Neither nation needing the other for survival but rather identifying the benefits and comforts of certain combined efforts. I liked this, having just regained my independence and sense of self I wanted a union that would support and enhance my freedom not dismantle it over time. Mark was away in the South Pacific during this time and did not return home for 6 months after his proposal to me. It was a hard and sad winter, but I got through it and we got married about 2 months after he returned home, 2 years after we initially met.

In the early months of the marriage I suffered a little. Feeling lost again in this idea of marriage, thinking I needed to assume a different role from that of girlfriend or independent island state. I talked to Mark about it and of course he was fine with the idea that I preferred the girlfriend concept over the wife concept. And so we continue as married people (for almost 5 years now) who are wholly committed to one another but with a level of separation that suits both of us. If I had to make a visual for the relationship it would be of two overlapping circles and where the circles overlap there is a lot of vibrant color and activity and where the overlap ends there is still a lot of vibrancy, just in different hues.