Distracted

There must be some weird trine happening, I have been extremely distracted the last few days.

I got an email this morning from a friend back east asking me about Tofino BC. Had I been there? I have. Mark and I went there for our honeymoon in 2004. It was beyond perfect. I dipped into my wedding pictures file to send some of the ones I took during our visit there and in my search I came across these little gems. It really took me back to that evening in July. Pearl was so excited about the wedding but somehow the whole thing was overwhelming to her (it was to me too). I had asked my sister to keep a close eye on her but Pearl is a loyalist at heart and she just really needed my attention. So here we are having a little hug to help sort her out. Looking at her little face and the position of her small hands on my shoulders, she looks so concerned it melts my heart.

Here's another one of me talking to her while Mark stands patiently by.


Pearl was not quite 6 when we got married and she must have been a little worried about what might change in our lives. She turns 12 this summer and it's hard to believe how fast the time has passed, it feel like a dream on days like today. She is such an amazing person and we are having a great time growing up with her.

No Shoes for You

Possibly the ugliest most useless shoe

Occasionally when I feel like I need to punish myself I look for shoes online. Listen closely, I will not repeat this. I am over six feet tall and I wear a woman's size 14 shoe, that is I should wear a size 14 shoe if I could find them to wear. Today I searched the Nordstrom website for shoes. The search came up with 22 results. I felt momentarily hopeful until I actually saw the shoes. There were 6 unique styles with multiple variations on those themes. These shoes are not for me, I am not sure who they are for. Now that I feel worse than I did before my search I will return to work. Stay tuned.

Urban Walking

I have a piece of paper on my bed with 3 columns of first lines on it. I am not sure how to start this entry but I am not going succumb to the list. I have a thing about being original, I will stumble around and come up with my own way to begin this story about how I almost got a flat tire on my way to town last Thursday. It seems I drove over a large road construction spike which imbedded in but did not flatten my left rear tire. Scared the hell out of the dog. So I eventually found myself in town, slightly disoriented buying not one but 3 new car tires. Billing opportunites arise so easily in this economy. I took a walk in Whatcom Falls Park with the dog and a friend to pass the time while the tires were replaced, only they weren't replaced and I had my friend drop me and the dog and my laptop downtown where I met up with the guy who is going to build my new website. Only 2 years in the making people. I had my meeting and then it was time to get back to my car. It was a lovely day so I strapped on all my gear and headed east toward Discount Tire. I had one stop to make on the way which broke up the trip with a bathroom break.

I was surprisingly excited. In 16 years I had never walked in town unless you call walking from the car to the grocery store walking, which I suppose some people do. I walked happily along in the sun with the dog towing me slightly. I felt a bit heavy with all my bags, walking in my Blundstones which I don't normally walk in. So I walked slowly paying attention to everything. Crossing at intersections, I realized I must look a little strange loaded down with stuff being pulled by an exuberant dog. Did I look homeless or just poorly dressed, clearly the dog has a pedigree. I wondered if anyone I knew would pass me by and think I looked a little forlorn and out of my element, obviously missing a key element of my outfit, my car. I got a little lost and pointed in the wrong direction which felt slightly frustrating but it was such a lovely day that I went with it. I ended up in a neighborhood next the freeway walking past houses inhabited by college students and single mothers. Everything was in bloom, neighborhood cats sat on lawns and I let the dog run free when I got tired of being pulled. The good thing about walking instead of driving is that you can cut corners, it's impossible to do this is a car. In a car though you can quickly and easily right yourself when you go off course, the consequences are minor, on foot it's a different story.

I walked for 2 hours on Thursday in total. This is my idea of heaven.

Progress

Several months ago I dreamt that a person in my sphere had disappeared and was known to have died. It was a young woman and while I did not murder this person with my own hands I knew that the actions I was taking in the dream would result in her death. I think she was left out in the wilderness.

I was appalled by this dream and immediately did some research on what it had meant. Of course dream symbols are confusing but they are also archetypal. I had exiled and done away with a part of myself, a part I no longer needed. I had to commit this act of murder to free a part of myself that needed more attention.

I have written here about my recent experiences waking in the night and feeling uncertain about what state I am in, alive or dead or somewhere in between. These incidents are lessening and I have slept well every night for about a week. It's a miracle to wake in the morning rested and relaxed.

It occurs to me that I was misinterpreting these night time experiences. I was taking them too literally, thinking too much of the death of my physical self and not so much about the life of my spiritual self. The night time death experience, I realize now is about the death of some part of me I no longer need. It's extremely hard to articulate but it comes down to this, we are evolving. We are growing up and changing and our consciousness is changing and this is a good thing.

Some time ago a sage friend told me that every 7 years our cells rejuvenate. It doesn't happen all at once of course, there is a dying off and then a building back up. I am not sure how cells work exactly but I see their development as a curved line and these little transitional moments represent the differential equations that determine the slope of this ever curving line. Some are steep and some are slight, they go up, they go down, but they are all worth noting.

I am trying to free myself of what has held me back. I am trying to shed that which has weighed me down in an effort to make way for what will propel me forward. I don't know what any of it looks like but I am open to it. Maybe it's art, maybe it's poetry, who knows.

Stay tuned.

Starting Anew Again

Two weeks since my last entry. Sad. I blame the IRS. I fell into a brief funk around Easter but managed to rally during the second half of spring break. Strangely it felt good to be back at my desk crunching the numbers from 2009. I enjoy reliving the past year, transaction by transaction. I have sorted the paper, added up the numbers, ground my teeth. In between I found myself doing other things. On Sunday and Monday I sewed a pair of pants, the fabric for these pants was purchased well over a year ago. Loose ends now tied. Today I roto-tilled the garden. Mark offered to do it, sighting my need to work but I said no way. I wanted to do it, I needed to do it. I was supposed to be designing a decal for a racing car but I wasn't ready for that so the tilling got done instead. Tax season is like the real start of the year. It's a new chance for me to change the way I do things, pay myself first, deal with the mail, all the mail. Face up to the realities of my adult life and feel good about doing it instead of shitty because I am this age and I didn't do what I should have done when it really mattered, compound interest, retirement savings, blah blah blah. It's all in the accountants hands now but it's entirely up to me to change things for next year and maybe I'll do it this time and it will be the start of something good. Maybe, lets hope. In the meantime I am going to plant some pumpkin seeds and make a pair of flannel boxer shorts for myself, because I can now that the taxes are done.

A Tiny Sweater

14 months ago I bought the wool to knit this sweet little sweater and I am happy to announce it is finally done and shipped off to its new owner Miss Araya, Pearl's baby sister via her birthmom. It was intended as a baby gift but we all know how intentions are. The reality is the sweater did not take that long to knit, it was the finishing that took forever. I am trying to get better at finishing things well but it takes time, I get stuck on tiny details. Anywho, I feel a bit of weight has been lifted off me and a slot has been opened up in my craft queue which is exciting. My next knitting project is a vest for myself but I have had trouble starting it because I am uncertain of the pattern. I made a diagram of it some time back so I will have to revisit that and get going on it before it gets hot out and I lose interest in knitting. Perseverance is your friend.