Experimental Walking

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For some time now, I have been waking in the night, disoriented, with the overwhelming feeling that I may be dead. I suspect it is anxiety. About what? I am not sure that even matters. A modern person such as myself has myriad of anxiety sources. These are trying times, these are the times that try men’s souls, in fact. Miraculously and without warning a few days ago I slept through the night without waking up in a full body thrash, heart pounding, senses on high alert, wondering where the fuck I am, WHO the fuck am I, and are the people I love alive or dead or in the next the room. What is happening? As my heart pounds back to a normal state and I once again fall asleep dreaming my confused over populated dreams that I have no recollection of when I finally wake up the following morning. I have had a few such peaceful nights since Monday or so and I am terribly grateful.

On Thursday I took a walk while Pearl participated in her dance recital rehearsal. I set out down a road I had never walked on before unconcerned with where I was going, where I might end up. My gate was unhurried. I had my camera with me and the dog. I stopped often to photograph the bare trees and dead fields that I encountered along the road, enjoying the slow pace. I needed exercise as I had been sitting working at my desk for many consecutive hours over the past several weeks but I also needed meditation as I had been working hard, creating, making things, solving problems.

In the past 12 months my whole way of walking has changed as has the way I am living. I am still goal oriented but am happier to enjoy the small ordinary moments of my life. What else do we have? The past is gone, the future is a dream, why not walk slowly and savor every step.