A Fine Line

Something happened on Wednesday, not sure exactly what it was or if it was even one thing. In some ways it was a good day. I went and did a presentation at the College and assigned a project to a small group of web designers. I enjoyed planning it, creating the parameters and outlining them to the students. Public speaking is exciting and challenging. I don't mind doing it but it's hard for me to stay completely focused on what I am saying, thoughts ricochet wildly around in my head. I am sure I could benefit from speaking points written on index cards, color coded if possible for emphasis. Will work on that next time. By the end of the day I felt flat. Pearl had an impromptu dance practice around dinner time which was fine but I guess my day had been thrown off and I did not have time to walk and I have a lot of projects whirling around in my head. I have been needing to make a list but couldn't even do that and I guess that is what is a bit scary to me. I can see myself spiraling into this state where I can't focus on anything and it worries me. I found myself on the couch at 7:30 wishing I could just crawl into bed and start over. There is this line that exists between functioning well and not functioning at all and I can slide up to it so easily. When I woke up on Thursday I decided to make a list instead of writing my morning pages and then I made a conscious effort to follow it to the letter. When Pearl came home from school we went for a vigorous walk and then I cleaned my office before coming into the house to make dinner. The evening had a totally different feel to it than the previous night and I awoke this morning feeling rested and positive. Whatever that gravity line is that can pull me to it in the course of few hours is still there but when I can keep a healthy distance from it by staying organized and practicing self care I am better for it. It's the darkness at the edge of everything, the mud at the edge of the lake that grabs at your feet but if you're willing you can leap back and move onto more solid ground where the light is better.