Don't slash

More reasons to just end it all now because you'll just never be this good. Variety Showcase.

I'm kidding of course (sort of). Alas in spite of all absence of prowess in any medium we continue to bang our bloodied heads against the walls of creative self expression. Looking for ways to let our tiny voices be heard, our malformed ideas sprouting like vines from under nuclear reactors. We make what we can, what else is there to do? It's spring and damn it's pretty out and it would be sad to have come this far only to miss summer so just pick up your knitting or whatever and put down that razor blade.

Better than yesterday

Incredibly, sleep cures everything. With only one small near death freak out experience right as I dropped off, the night was pleasant and dream filled. I can't recall what the dreams were about now but that is typical. The cat kept purring and stepping on me, I do remember that. He's awfully heavy but makes up for it by being the best highest quality free cat ever. The weekend officially ended at 3pm today and I whacked a huge section of dry blackberries out of the area behind my house while taking a break from using my brain non-stop. When Pearl was safely home I took a short nap because I am inevitably sad once my husband clears out and I am left to face the week on my own. Who will make my supper, why is there no wine? These are my immediate concerns. Not bad.

Duality

Best not to comment too specifically on what's really pissing me off the most today so instead I am thinking dreamy thoughts about "Fantastic Mr Fox" and how perfect art can be in contrast to this fucked up dreary existence we are all leading. Another pair of shoes? Why yes, I'll take two.

My Queen

I grew up with the Queen looking down on me like god in places where it behooved me to speak quietly, particularly the Post Office in the small northern town where I lived. And because I was not trained formally to believe in god I did believe in the queen because she was so real and ever present. I felt my parents, who had emigrated from Great Britain, were somehow related to her. The young Queen who I encountered behind the Post Office wickets, wore a beautiful blue gown and sash sporting her very lovely yet understated crown, surrounded by a gilt frame covered in a patina of small town dust. She was the Queen of the school I attended, she was always there looking down on me with an expression that was part benevolence part duty. She represented many of the values I was raised with, staying calm, speaking well, tending the garden, wearing rubber boots in spring, thinking sensible thoughts and not showing off, all good stuff I think. As The Royal Wedding approaches and the excitement builds for William and Kate's big day I see the Queen as less of a god and more like a granny who must be terribly proud of her grandson. I bet she feels sad about the Lady Di business, she is after all only human and being British the stiff upper lip does quiver at times. I know mine will on the big day.

Unfinished

Self Portrait in progress 04/14/11

Here's the latest self portrait I am working on. I have switched to larger paper and am taking a slower approach. In the beginning I would paint the thing in one sitting. This piece I drew last week with 2H lead which is harder and leaves less information on the paper. I finally sat down and started to paint this morning after I dropped Pearl at school. Hopefully I will be able to add more color to this one, baby steps. When I went to bed last night the moon was out, casting shadows in the yard and I slept well and had some good dreams which is always a pleasure. Today is sunny and cool a stark change from the snow we woke up to yesterday. I took the dog for a walk on the road and am now settling in to my office to do my client work. And so it goes another day.

The Process

As much as I drag my feet when it's time to put a proposal together for a job I found today that I actually felt good about doing it. This is an improvement. I like making money and I feel pretty sure that what I do has real value. Where it gets sticky for me is laying out the entire process and assigning a dollar amount to each task, every job is different, each client is unique. So I decided to approach it in a different way. I started a few days ago, making a sketch of the process, a time line of sorts. I broke the whole process into 4 phases and then broke down the tasks in each phase and assigned time to each one. Now if I get the job I won't have to do much thinking about the process because I will have it all mapped out and if you're like me structure is super important. It's funny these little moments of clarity I have. I have been doing this work a long time but I still try to make the process better each time. I don't want to go through life dragging my feet, dreading the minutiae. I was inspired this week by this artist. We are not robots and there is a creative aspect to everything I do. After I sent my proposal off I went for a long drizzly walk, it snowed this morning, and tonight after I fulfill my duties as a mom I will reward myself with some more portrait painting.

Trade

©2011 Rolling Table on Wheels

I have a list as long as my arm of things I want to do. Some of them I have to do, like finish my taxes and make more money but still I manage to come up with other things to add to this list ensuring it will never be complete. I wonder if when I am 97 I will start backing off on the list thing. I have had on my list or rather on my radar a table on wheels for my office. Apparently I have been thinking about it for quite some time because in speaking to my friend Greg today he said oh yes the old table on wheels idea. Hmmm. Greg's a woodworker and so I asked if I could take a woodshop class over at his house to build the damn thing and he agreed. In return I promised to browbeat him into building a website for himself which he can totally do and I will just keep him focused on the task and make it pretty for him. Attached is the sketch of said table and Greg said I should make a 3-D model of it using Sketch-Up. Because we are getting older and our brains are shrinking I have recently dedicated myself to learning to use new programs and to use the programs I already know how to use better. Look at that, an entire post and I didn't even mention death once. Must be spring.

Jealousy

Lately I seem to be questioning everything, actually I guess I have always questioned everything except maybe relationship choices, that's another story. I question the whole blogging thing, why do we do it? What the hell is the point? And Facebook? Why? (Another day there too.) Who really gives a shit? I came across this blog during my constant quest for attention, recognition and understanding about why people read other peoples blogs. Is it to get info about great products to help streamline your important experience as a stay-at-home frustrated mom or to get more recipes that you will never cook because all you eat is salad and cereal? I am looking for inspiration, I am looking for a reason to stay here, to stay in the game. I met a friend in the bank the other day, he has lung cancer. We talked a little bit about that and he asked me if I had ever had a psychotic break and I laughed and said well no in fact, but I do spend every minute of every day trying to avoid having one. I have merely dipped my toes into panic attacks and deep depression but I am trying to steer clear of a full psychotic break at all costs. So I blog, and I look for other blogs out there to help me along. So sorry if I don't get why some house wife in Alabama with a visually confusing blog about her 11 kids has 6 billion followers and I have 20 and about 6 who read every time I post. It doesn't matter, the activity of posting creates my safe haven and the little comments only serve to encourage me, and while I feel jealous of those goddamn popular mommy bloggers, this is who I am really paying attention to. Props to Cupcake for making her visible to me.

Ranting Rant Rant

I think Rupert Murdoch has the ability to change the course of American politics and perhaps the world at large. There, I said it. Glenn Beck has been sent packing and driving north today I thought about the power this media outlet wields and how they waste it. Like leaving the gas pumping onto the pavement at the gas bar. Inconsiderate sons of bitches laying to waste so much potential. If there is a god I hope he smites them, really smites them hard with dirty pointed sticks, with thorns and conjunctivitis. Sadly though, Glenn will go and be successful elsewhere, maybe on some Tea Party network and Fox will get their advertisers back and everyone will go back to buying toilet paper at Walmart to wipe their gigantic asses and I'll opt to disappear into the Canadian wilderness with my books and my knitting and my tiny morsel of hope that I keep in a canning jar. Sweet dreams America, how'd you get so fat anyway?

Looking busy

Recently completed coat.

Try to keep busy. Apparently after all these years of existence this is all we can collectively come up with to keep our minds off what troubles us. Be it religious genocide, eternal strife, impending death or absent children. Keep busy the chorus sings. I sew to fill the time between doing client work and lying motionless on the couch, my mind running wild with scenarios of danger cooked up from the local news and periodic viewings of crime shows. Pearl is going off for a few days with her dad and I will practice the time honored tradition of keeping busy. I still remember the weight of responsibility the first night I spent with her and I took it on, my instinct to nurture and protect overtook me. So now you might think a few days off would be something I look forward to but instead it is just the opposite. I feel like the herding dog, left purposeless, panting and nervous at the gate waiting for its flock to return. My little flock of one who lays sleeping 15 feet away from me.