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Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Hairpiece


SL: We are here today to speak exclusively about your hair; it is a topic that seems to come up often in conversation for you.

Me: I suppose that is true, it is a force to be reckoned with and somehow as a woman I end up discussing it against my better judgment.

SL: When did you first identify with your hair?

Me: As a child one Halloween I fell asleep with a wad of gum in my mouth and in the night, not surprisingly, it became entangled in my hair. The next day my mother cut the gum out leaving me with a stylish bob, which made me look sophisticated beyond my years. My older sister was jealous of my sudden transformation. It was then that I first experienced the power of hair.

SL: Very interesting. Are you a natural redhead?

Me: Are you blind? Of course I am.

SL: What percentage of your vanity is tied up in your hair?

Me: I would say less than 10%. I try not to spend much time thinking about my hair even though I am aware many people are envious of it. I had no hand in making it, it just is. I have little influence over it. It does what it wants I just try and keep it clean.

SL: Do you spend a lot of time each day on your hair?

Me: Certainly not. I was happiest when I could pull the whole lot of it back and not think about it at all. I deplore the amount of time I am expected to spend on my appearance as a woman living in this century.

SL: But it’s all over the place what happened?

Me: Vanity is what happened. I’ve had the same haircut for my whole life and I recently had about 5lbs taken off in an effort to achieve a new look. I have moments of deep remorse about it.

SL: But why, it looks nice and naturally tussled.

Me: Is tussled even a word? The curls are fine but now when I get up in the morning I have to perform a little hair ritual in order to go out in public. It has forced me to consider my appearance, an activity I find holey distasteful.

SL: Don’t you desire to be attractive?

Me: I prefer not to think about it. I think I possess a certain physical reality, which exists, regardless of my input. I barely have time to bathe let alone style this mop. I am also a little wary of the time and expense it takes to aquire adequate hair products to keep the whole catastrophe organized and kinky, but not too frizzy. I feel like I am constantly being sold a promise that never delivers.

SL: Well it looks pretty good to me

Me: Hopefully this is due to the forty dollars I spent on mousse recently. That’s more than I spend on groceries some weeks.

SL: Do people admire your hair openly?

Me: Yes and it horrifies me. Often as a small talk before a meeting a woman who feels she has the right to behave in a familiar fashion toward me will comment on my hair and I find it annoying. If I were obese, no one would be commenting on that.

SL: But you said your self that you often bring it up casually in conversation. Isn’t that a double standard?

Me: Yes it’s true. I don’t know what comes over me. It must be some kind of primal need to bond with women over hair. The enemy we all share. I complain about it openly which must piss off those women who have actual problem hair, but you know your issues are your issues. My hell is my hell.

SL: What is your hairs greatest accomplishment?

Me: To date I would have to say attracting 2 husbands, not to mention countless drunks in bars and at baseball games. People just can’t get enough of a redhead, that is until they have actually lived with one.

SL: Well thank you for your time today.

Me: Here take a lock for your scrapbook. We’re a dieing breed you know, redheads are just a genetic mistake and we are on the decline.

SL: Thank you!

Me: NP, I'm covered in it.

Please Note: SL, Sloane Nibleigh is persona of my own creation

1 comment:

syd said...

You're killin me.

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