9 weeks to meat

The chicks arrived last Thursday just as we left for Oregon in the pouring rain. My partner in crime collected them and got them all cozy in the stock tank I had set up for them in my little barn. It's helpful having another person invested in this rather dodgey project. Chicks are fragile and the whole process of raising them feels precarious to me. I once drowned 25 birds by accident early on in the process when they were small and unable to stay warm. My waterer lost suction in the night and filled the metal stock tank with water, just enough to soak each little downy bird and they struggled to pile themselves up on top of each other to reach the light but it was all for naught and in the morning when I discovered the mishap they were just a wet mass of dead chicks. I was horrified. I stood in the barn and screamed for help, no one came. My daughter was 3ish at the time, I had to keep her from seeing them, the pile of transparent limp bodies, their eyes shut but visible through thin skin. I carry this horror with me and each time I go to check on them I feel a slight panic rise up in me as I step across the threshold of the barn. So far they are okay. I don't need to be caring for 30 chicks at the moment but I am, and in a way maybe it's good for me. In an effort to outrun the winter doldrums I have packed my fall beyond recognition so that everyday is filled with multiple activities. At night I write my list and in the morning I follow it like an automaton forcing myself to think less and do more. Surprisingly it seems to be working. I feel okay, less gray than usual and more energetic despite giving up my new found love, coffee. It would be nice not to have to work so hard at feeling reasonable but this is who I am so I have to try new things as my brain chemistry changes. I changed my diet recently too at the suggestion of my naturopath. My blood pressure is still high and at the moment my head is pounding but that is just today. This too shall pass. There is something purposeful about being needed by 30 tiny birds that you will one day butcher and slather in BBQ sauce. For today they need food and clean shavings and to be warm and I can handle that.

Brief Explanation from Inside

What the hell was she thinking? The goal was simple. To take a writing course. Only this schmuck, who is incapable of thought deeper than water collecting inside a contact lens can't do it. First of all she didn't consider that writing a novel in 90 days means you need to have a shred of an idea for a story. Second of all she is not doing the homework. She thinks about the story a lot but it's in such a superficial way that I am pretty sure nothing will ever come of it. Poor thing doesn't care enough about anything to make it work.What it comes down to is she doesn't care about what makes people tick enough to pay attention long enough to gather any clues about dilemma, conflict, transformation. And now the blog is suffering too, I'd cry if I had eyes. All she is excited about these days is going for little trips in the vintage trailer and being outside puttering around clipping the bushes and checking on the little chicks and walking, always wanting to walk. Occasionally she thinks about the bills she has to pay and what kind of paint to buy to paint the chuck-box she built. And now winter is coming and it has begun to rain and soon she is going to want to sit by the fire and knit constantly. She's not a writer. I know. I live inside her head.

Forgiveness

Dear Father,
It's been 11 days since my last blog post. Please forgive me as I have had a lot on my mind and while I try to maintain a healthy writing practice there are many influences beyond my control that seem to unite against me. Please forgive me lord. Eddy is in the hospital and we are all sort of stunned and not sure what is next for him. I don't think he is dying, I think he is just profoundly tired and I can relate dear lord for I am tired too and although I have much work to do I mostly just want to lay on my couch and drink wine. The weather has been fine and I wanted to thank you for that but it makes me sleepy in the afternoon and it makes taking long walks difficult as I freckle so badly dear lord and I know that the devil did that to me not you because you you made folks like Selma Hayek and she doesn't freckle so it must be that the devil is in me. Speaking of the devil. I need to ask forgiveness for making little images of the devil because I adore his pointed little horns and his sharp beard and the mustache, oh how I love the mustache. But really I need to beg for forgiveness because I am wasting time here when I should be working. I will abuse myself later in your name, hope that's cool. xo me p.s., maybe pass this along to Mother Mary, in hindsight she is probably who I meant to talk to.

Happy Maniac

Moving right along. The kid is back at school and I am looking forward to the fall and feeling hopeful and inspired. By Rosh Hashanah I'll have a new crown on the lower left side of my mouth and I am not missing the symbolism here. I have not been able to bite down on much lately due to my fragile state and like a true manic person on a long awaited upswing I am going to take on way more than I probably should in response to all the down time I took over the summer. So here goes. I am going to embark on a 90 day novel writing course, seemed like a good idea and now I have committed myself mentally to it. Work is picking back up just in time, the bills are piling up and the one scary thing I have been forcing myself to face most days is my checking account balance. Additionally I have just ordered 30 meat birds in chick form. It will take 9 weeks to raise them and I have no idea who will butcher them, god I hope it's not me. My tenant is going in with me and she is a brave and hardy soul so maybe I can follow her lead. Saw a dead deer at the side of the road which reminds me to finish the story I am working on, it's about a deer but also the dead deer is a reminder that time is not endless. I have decided not to worry about my elderly parents going to Europe for two weeks. Instead I will focus on my job of looking after their ill behaved Cocker-Spaniel. I finished my self portrait. Still not entirely sure how I feel about it but will list it on my Etsy site just to see if anyone bites. I hope you are all well and biting down hard on things that you desire.