Mood swings.

Holy cow, almost a month since my last post. Time flies and not in a good way always. In some ways I am just hanging on by a thread but in most ways I am a hardy Fir tree, sturdy and deeply rooted in my routine which feeds all my needs, creatively anyway. Spring is arriving like baby teeth, coming up and receding, sometimes all in the same day. I am rebuilding things, re-making myself, coming back out of the shell I put myself in now and then only to realize that while I love shell life I love the bigger world too. What I want to know is if all this positivity is due to the weather or if I am generating it myself. I haven't felt this good in years, maybe ever but I was a bit surprised when I noticed other people were feeling super good too and it was sunny and we all got outside. Am I responding to mass hysteria brought on by the pollen rich air? I prefer to think I am the master of my moods and that the sunshine just makes it all more pleasant rather than the other way around. I want to think I can control how I feel about things. I think I can, I think I can, I feel like I am.

Falling in

September 5th. I feel a bit contracted but I also feel kind of stoked. I'm worried about money but I also feel like there is endless potential work if I just flip the switch. My mood is up but I feel nervous about that too because it changes so quickly but mostly I have been trending up into that good place where I feel both happy and calm, if I can battle the anxiety I will have achieved a trifecta of sorts. The days are shortening at both ends but it's most noticeable in the morning when I awake in the darkness. My mid morning walks have been refreshing and warm once I get out to the road where there is more sun. There are spider's webs everywhere and yesterday I picked an albino woolley bear off my car tire in an effort not to squash it. The edges of the road are dry and crunchy and when I go to feed the hens there are more leaves down, they are mostly green but getting yellower by the day. Have finally begun to sleep better after a long stint of not being able to achieve that deep state of unconsciousness. It wears me down so and weakens my mind, I feel frayed and bare after a while. As you can see by the start date of this post I have been a bit slack. On the other hand I have been working and the kid is back at school and the routine has been good despite the first day when I felt like I was falling into a big pit of sameness. A week or so has passed and my happy state seems to be taking hold. I can honestly say I am looking forward to fall.

Light and rain.

Wrote 1200 words this morning. It's raining again but I actually feel okay about it. The dread I felt yesterday going into the barn to clean the chicks pen dissipated quickly, somehow the thick mat of shit and straw did not strike me as that disgusting. This morning they were all hungry so I just fed them and cleaned their water, I will change their bedding later on. I checked in on my laying hens 3 and found them still roosting in the dark coop. Lazy wenches. I went and got a light for them and set the timer, it will come on at 5am when I get up to write and stay on until noon. I watched them as they adjusted to the light coming to life almost instantly and went outside to scratch around. I even gave them a few cock-a-doodle-dos to bring home the point. The dog shot me a weird look. I guess the new darkness has it's effect on all of us. I went to sleep at around 7:30pm last night, a trend I really don't want to fall into but something happens to me after dinner when the darkness comes early. I fall into a low level temporary depression. I have things I want to do but it's nearly impossible to motivate myself and I can only see the merits of lying down. Mondays are trouble for me anyway, I am blue after the weekend with Mark and not quite in full swing for a week of mothering. It passes, today is better. The rain has subsided so it's time to get out for walk, honestly I really like this life and the pace I have set for myself.

Almost Spring

Poor little bloggie I have been walking past you like the mouse parts I step over to get to my room at the end of a each long day. Spring is in hard labor here and we keep starting and stopping, my mind is mushy and contracted and I worry that it's something dire but that's just me. It's friday finally and my sleep was cut open by a familiar voice from around the corner of my doorless bedroom, Mom? and there I was. Alive again and it's Friday so soon and Mark is coming over and the weekend calls for more rain. It's going to be Mother's Day which is okay but not a big deal for me, it's just another day in my life. I've been writing on paper, listening to words, writing down smells and the complicated feelings that arise from the emails I get and from the world that parades past me daily, there is no tidy way to put it all here and so I just fill up the notebooks that no one will ever see, and I hope that one day I can sit down for about 5 years and sort it all out into something useful or funny, the story of how I birthed myself at home alone. There is nothing new there, nothing I am experiencing that hasn't been felt by women before in the spring during a hard birth of this desirous season.

Weather report

While wearing colorful tights and my knee high boots cheer me up, long johns have another effect all together. It's cold today, the wind is howling and sucking the heat out of the house and my office and me. I have 4 layers on and still I feel chilled to the bone. The dog has the right idea, she is laying in a patch of sun on my office floor. If only. I am stuck in my chair, albeit comfy chair freezing my ass off. As much as I hate to complain, I hate these weather conditions.

Warmth

Have made a dent in the paper associated with filing my state taxes and am prepared to do the big federal push. It wasn't so bad this year. My accountant is a champ and I enjoy going into his office and reporting on my financial progress over the past year. He's handsome too, so that helps. So superficial I know. The weather is warm, 50°F today and I keep finding myself out in the yard poking around, cutting blackberries, raking dead grass. It's amazing to think we are only a month past the solstice and already I am thinking about how I could improve the garden. In buying chicken feed the other day I chatted with the guy who owns the feed place and he suggested I offer the hens even more light than I have been giving them. I have the light on at night now too except it's confusing them and last night they were out until past dusk because the light was on inside the coop. Tonight I will set the timer so that it only comes on after dark, once the hens are indoors. I mentioned this concern to the feed store man, he cocked his head to one side, he saw the predicament but had no answer. He's been a farmer his whole life and probably has a better routine with his chickens, something he can do in his sleep without any thought. I am not willing to say yet that spring is coming, rather it is winter that is moving along. The perpetual changing of the seasons takes time, all year in fact. You can lose yourself in the progress of it.

Everything means nothing

Another good day today. It's so strange to feel good for so many days and weeks in a row. Of course there is always something to worry about just when you feel like things are making sense someone brings up the 2012 end of the world according to the Aztec calendar thing. And then you really start to think is this why people are assessing things and making meaningful resolutions because the end of days is just up around the bend. I don't know. John Boehner is speaker of the house in league with my pal El Diablo, the republicans have that nasty majority and seem poised to ruin everything that is good and fair including funding for NPR and food inspections. Oh spam, can I trust thou? But then that homeless guy Ted Williams with the incredible voice is discovered and some nice folks from right here in Mossville win Megamillions, and the sun came out unexpectedly today. On the way here tonight I couldn't stop looking at the clouds as I drove along, they were so beautiful. At a red light I noticed an opening to the west and the clouds were all yellow and glowing delightfully and then I noticed this Maxfield Parrish knock off was above a Shell gas station and further along the road I saw the same thing again above another Shell station and everything made sense in a demented way. We are but specks and what the hell did the Aztecs even know about time and dates and numbers, we're a blip here, sucking oil from the ground breeding incredible animals with deep voices who can tell our stories on radio and TV so that we can sit in meeting rooms and have things to discuss while the weather just does its thing around us and means nothing.

Thursday

So god-damned black out this morning and wet, like the inside of a dead cow complete with matted fur laying upside down in a deep ditch, half submerged. I turned my light on at 6am in an effort to pull myself up out of the dream I was having which I have no memory of now. I wrote about the darkness, what else is there to write about? Thankfully Pearl was cheerful at 6:30 when her alarm drew her out of her little cave across the semi hall. She poked her head around the corner of my closet and mumbled hello. I said, I am having trouble getting up when she returned with a tada around the corner 10 minutes later, naked with her head wrapped in a towel. I was grateful I would only have to motivate myself into action. I made the bed, an act which seems to help sort me out in the morning and she instructed me to start the eggs. Roger. I got dressed in basically the same clothes I have been wearing since Monday night when I last showered. They get so nice and soft I reasoned and I lack the mental capacity to choose a whole new outfit most mornings. By the time we left for school the sky was barely beginning to lighten and I commented on how it felt like the middle of the night. We are sleepwalkers, dreamily feeling our way around in the dark. I know the light will return and so its all okay.

Grim

The weather forecast is not good. Campers heading off for the Memorial Day weekend will be stuck inside those campers, tenters will be discouraged. I opened the bedroom window last night just a crack to let the sound of the rain drift in. It helps me sleep this heavy spring rain. I have no holiday plans beyond avoiding my office because we have become too intimate, too dependant on each other the last several weeks. I need a break. I plan to stay in my bedroom near my sewing machine and watch the rain which looks to be plentiful. June will be gray and summer will arrive sometime in the second week of July. Pearl will turn 12 and for a time we will forget about the rain, but not today.

Word

Today I give you my ode to Spring and Ed Ruscha.

It's light in the morning when I wake up and there are birds singing and bees buzzing. The cycle is continuing as I knew it would despite the news filled with voices of strife and dissent. The grass is growing like crazy, you couldn't begin to stop it, so why try. Get out and go for a walk and breathe in the air, filled with pollen and hope.

Promise of Prosperity

I tend toward feeling that the universe will take care of me. It has thus far and I have no reason to think that it won't continue in this same manner. I am not passive in this though, I am not just lying around eating bon-bons and thinking happy positive thoughts. I am actively paying attention to what's happening around me.

It was windy when I sat down on New Years day to collect my thoughts and drink a little celebratory champagne. The sound I heard next was a combination of deep cracking, some scraping, maybe a woosh of wind but that's hard to say in retrospect. One sound I can verify with certainty was the sound metal roofing makes as it's being peeled off a roof in a high wind. I expected to see the garage destroyed when I went out but was met instead by something else altogether. A huge limb had broken off a big Maple tree adjacent to the carport falling across the driveway and clipping the the edge of the metal roofed carport and Mark's car and settling hard on the gravel drive.

And so this is how my year started. Now some might see this as big negative but not me. I got dressed and went out with my newly tuned chainsaw and systematically turned trouble into treasure. I plan to stay on this tact, so bring it on there is nothing in this world that I can't make work. I look forward to the warmth those Maple logs will bring me and my little family next winter.

Spring, It's Here!

Pearl and the neighbor play.

Iggy and the peonies bursting forth.

Ahh the Rhubarb remembered where it was.

Each year that I have had Rhubarb I lose it over the winter. It shrinks back to nothing somewhere in the earth and I am always amazed when it pops up seemingly out of nowhere. This year we are double lucky because it has been so cold there are no slugs yet. The Rhubarb leaves were able to unfurl with no one chewing on them. I hope the slugs never come back but of course that would signal some sort of ecological crisis and I am trying to avoid those. In fact I am happy to welcome all of the bees and other buzzy citizens of the garden as if my life depended on them. Which I think it does.

Just like the drunken abusive husband who sobers up and says he's sorry, spring has arrived in the nick of time smelling sweet, sounding like chirping birds and frogs and having the desired effect on everyone it touches. Spring is all about charm and promise and hope. I am totally sold on it, as crappy as I felt last week, this week I feel equally awesome and elated.

The pollen count will be off the charts but who cares. The temperature is above 45. I'm giddy with it.

Opening Day

Gloria the transgendered Brahma Rooster and a Wyandotte Hen

Banner day today. I cleaned the henhouse (got 3 eggs) and moved 3 loads of straw and waste into the garden where my blueberries are. Everything in the garden looks like it is about to decompose except for the Helleborus, they are putting up juicy buds, egged on by the cold. I clipped a bunch of the blackberry vines inside the chicken pen. I am not sure how the hens felt about the vines but they were seriously encroaching in a few areas making the paths impassable. While I was doing all of this, I let the hens and Gloria out. They were all terribly cheerful, breaking into small groups combing the yard for whatever hens comb the yard for. Some of them rushed after me everytime I went near the henhouse. They are funny to be around, you have to move in a particular way so as not to startle them. All in all I ended up spending about an hour outside which I think I will declare as my first official day of working in the garden.

And then it was over.

Today marks 3 weeks since our first heavy snowfall. My thoughts were consumed by snow. I loved it then I hated it. Yesterday I was planning to blog 6 things the snow afforded me because even I was tiring of my own whining. I only came up with 4 and the need to blog passed.

And then it was over.

I awoke this morning to 50° and green lawn where before there had been a field of white cotton with paths dug like veins around the property. The unrelenting rain had washed it all away and we are suddenly back to normal. No over bundling, no worries of sliding off the road.

It is however, extremely wet. The ground is spongy and soft. The road is under water in several places between me and my regular destinations. The Nooksack is thick-wide-fast. I wondered about the strength of the bridge as I sped over and noticed all the dead trees floating down in bunches. Despite these things the change to rain feels good. I will take a much needed walk this afternoon with my neighbor and the dogs. I can't remember the last serious walk I took. Brutal. You can well imagine what my mental state has been. Picture thread.

There is one thing I will miss about the snow and that is how changed the quality of light is from our normal all green world.

One Whole Year

Feeding the chickens today—and they look like hell by the way, everyone is molting—I remembered that it was my blog's birthday. I have managed to keep writing through a whole year. I realize none of it is polished and some it probably does not make sense to anyone but me but it makes me happy to do it. Like feeding those damn chickens, its just nice to do. They all gather around and they make happy little sounds. Quite an array of sounds too. One day I will record those. It's impossible to describe their sound with words. Mere crappy words who have no pitch.

I am not sure where all this putting down words will lead but I am willing to do it and see where it takes me.

I let the broody hen stay on her nest after all. I stopped worrying about how she would eat and drink and let her instinct guide me. Eventually two chicks appeared and I cleaned the nest of the blank shells while they cheeped around the henhouse. The mama hen did do a good job of keeping the chicks tucked under her wings. After awhile I built a little ramp so the fledgling chicks could get outside. They went cheerfully. The weather changed, a few wet windy nights and when I went to perform my daily chores they were no where to be found. The hen was back with the flock like nothing had happened.

Next time this happens I will swoop in and get the chicks into a separate nursery where they can grow up out of danger from predators (is that what got these ones?) and the other hens.

Slow Thursday

I feel like I am in super slow motion today. I think this is how a snake feels on cool mornings as he slithers slowly to the middle of the road to sun himself, only to be hit by a car. It's gray and raining now and everything has slowed down. Summer is on pause until the weekend we hope. We drove around Abbottsford today in search of a cabinet to house 8 car batteries. We found nothing suitable and will have to improvise something. I wanted special vietnamese soup from the old Mehak's but we never quite got there. I had Jays pizza instead even though I had sworn off it because it is made from everything I resist. Mark got 2 slices and I was going to have one little bite so I didn't keel over from low blood sugar and before I know it I am eating a whole small piece that the kid behind the counter gave him for free because the kid had cut it too small to go into the case. We went 2 Re-Store type places, saw some really bad old kitchens, bought some paint and went home. The traffic was hellish everywhere and I kept feeling like I wanted to nod off and wake back up when the sun was shining again.

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Sweltering

After the coolest spring since 1917 it is now sweltering. We are on day 2 of above 80° temps. I have never been so happy to see my feet swell up. I am sweaty and sluggish and thirsty for cold bubbling beverages in tons of ice. I love feeling hot.

The heat does wonderful things to common people. Yesterday in Vancouver I saw countless women in thin sun dresses strolling, pale skin and curves a plenty and lovely every one. We saw naked infants in their parents arms cooling off in the street, small limbs enveloped in warmth. Today the kids in the complex are running wild with their super soakers and penny whistles.

For the record I refuse to complain about the newly arrived temperature. I am embracing it like life. Gotta keep my core temp up while I can.

Solstice

Just coming down from an intense jag of work which was happily punctuated Saturday night with a nice solstice party here at Rancho Relaxo. As mayor of Rowanville I am always striving to offer my guests a totally pleasurable visit to the country (seriously). Luckily the weather was fine and we all sat outside around the bonds of fire. Mark launched a few bottle rockets, freaking out Eddy and the dog, but delighting everyone else.

It feels like we have successfully coaxed summer into gracing us once again. Maybe it does work–to invite your friends over–to call summer on all together, let it be known that it is missed, like a cherished friend. It felt good to do what our ancestors did and to really feel the desire for the sun. And the sun arrived like a neat package, up at 4 and no questions asked the next morning. I feel like an ad for the power of prayer.

It's no wonder I feel so darn happy.


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Rainy Monday

Well the weekend was reasonably dry but today the deluge returned. After a good day of work in the office we are all (me, Eddy, Mark, Pearl, Iggy, Luna) hunkered down in the house. Mark has lit the fire and we are about to eat some pork burritos with strawberry rhubarb crumble for dessert. Then we are going to curl up in a ball en mass and hope that tomorrow is a better day.

The Week That Was

The juggle is not over yet. I am halfway through the book I am toiling over. It is coming together but with all activities that involve organizing information in a visual framework, anomalies arise and have to be dealt with. Blocks that must be stumbled over and righted. Thank heaven for these long days on my own when I can focus on little else than the project at hand.

Have not been to the farm for days, have not spoken to Nancy. Will try and get down there over the weekend to finish what I started in the greenhouse. All the starts need to be planted out in the field, the pumpkins, lettuce, broccoli, cauliflower, the kale. God save the kale. At least all this shitty rain we have been having is good for my beet seeds because that watering by hand was really sucking. I have a whole new respect for CSA programs at the moment.

Had to light the wood stove tonight, the house was freezing. I refuse to burn anymore propane in there, it's June for pete's sake. The sun did come out late in the afternoon and I went out and let it shine right on me. Mike and Val stopped by with the kids and I gave them some of the surplus eggs. Ever since they moved off the property I have really had to work to give all the eggs away. My new tenant is allergic, dang!


Look at the time, it's time to lay this redhead down. Have a good sleep internet, oh right, you never sleep. Poor thing.

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