The digital and the real

 

This is what a digital conversation with my husband looks like these days. In adjacent countries we open up private portals in our living rooms and have something that resembles a conversation. While these calls can feel surreal I am grateful I have them. At this time last year I did not have internet stable enough to have a predictable video call. When COVID hit and everyone was working from home, suddenly the video call became a necessity. I would regularly drive a few miles from my house to a nearby cell tower to participate in online meetings with clients. I didn't make a big thing about the fact I was in my car I just carried on. Everyone expects you to have the internet if you are in business, hell if you are alive. My lack of internet was a point of shame at times, a badge of courage at others.

The promise of better internet has been hovering around us for a few years. Better cell service helped for a long time and the fact that I could not stream media was actually ok with me. I got a lot of work done instead of looking at inane videos online. I read more during that time and of course I used the internet but in a very deliberate way. I handled my phone much less. I was more focused.

But the internet caught up with me and so too has the anxiety about it. In March this year we got DSL service via the existing phone lines. This work is part of an initiative to provide internet access to everyone in remote areas of the US. I am literally at the farthest point on my road that the signal can reach. Neighbors to the north still rely on satellite service. Being presented with the entirety of the internet to stream in my home was amazing but now 8 months in I am beginning to feel the old malaise returning. Time vanishes into screens. The light of the screen replacing the sun for our attention and I know it's time to turn away.

My husband joked when we first met 20 years ago that our relationship was perfect in every way except for my home internet. Now of course, he'd like a bit more bandwidth.